Fiend-Machine

A few days ago I hooked up my computer to my printer so that I could print off a college application. If we had had a conversation about the situation that followed, it would have been a lot like this:

Printer: Excuse me, but my paper output tray is closed.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me get that for you. [Opens front of printer and presses "Resume" button.] All better.
Printer: ... my paper output tray is closed.
Me: Nah, I just fixed it. It's okay. Go ahead.
Printer: But you didn't open my paper output tray.
Me: Um... yeah. I did.
Printer: Haha, very funny. You think you can get me to print without opening my paper output try.
Me: Sure. That's right. You totally got me. [opens and closes paper output tray several times, leaving it to rest completely open.]
Printer: So when are you going to close my paper output tray?
Me: Oh. My. Goodness. Look here buddy, your paper output tray is freaking OPEN.
Printer: I'm getting tired of this. Would you just open the stupid tray?
Me: Don't you use that tone with me! You're a printer! And a dysfunctional one at that!
Printer: Don't you call me dysfunctional. Your face is dysfunctional.
Me: YOUR PAPER OUTPUT TRAY IS OPEN.
Printer: Are you blind? No, it isn't.
Me: [breaks down into sobs] Please, please... please print.
Printer: [gentle, soothing printer voice] Okay. No need to get so upset. I'll print for you.
Me: Really? [wipes a tears]
Printer: Yes, of course. That is my function after all. I'm a printer.
[Ashley and the Printer share a tension-easing laugh]
Printer: Just open my paper output tray.

* * *

Needless to say, I wasn't able to print my application. And the Mr. Open-My-Tray is still out of commission. I hope there's a special place in hell for dead technology.